composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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