i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
high people should be assigned attendants
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
