she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
