Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
