In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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