No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
