my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
