i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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