she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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