Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
