weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You ruined the universe