I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
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Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
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By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.