At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
