the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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