I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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