She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think i peed on brittanys purse
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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