so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
