Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
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I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
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Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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