yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
