apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
