so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
