I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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