I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
my poor anus
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
