my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
