It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
