I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
