By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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