The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
