The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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