I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
