I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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