Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
