Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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