Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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