I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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