Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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