you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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