...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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