there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
