apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize