Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
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I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
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How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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