I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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