I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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