You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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