Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
