We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
