im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
