i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
