That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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