I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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