I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
