I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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