Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
