rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
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i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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