i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
