textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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