Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
