if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
