Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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