When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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