I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
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His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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