tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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