I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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