how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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