I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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