Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
